SEXECUTIONER

I've never understood why people could act like this.

2006-03-22T23:57:30Z

I am the boy who never finished high school, because I got called a fag everyday

I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.

I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.

I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.

We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.

I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.

I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.

I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.

We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.

I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.

I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.

I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.

I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.

I am the woman who died when the EMTs stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.

I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didnt have to always deal with society hating me.

I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.

I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.

I am the person ashamed to tell my own friends im a lesbian, because they constantly make fun of them.

I am the boy tied to a fence, beaten to a bloody pulp and left to die because two straight men wanted to "teach me a lesson"

---IF YOU BELIEVE THAT HOMOPHOBIA IS WRONG... REPOST THIS

---IF YOU ARE IGNORANT... IGNORE THIS

black__banana @ 2006-03-19T23:08:00

2006-03-20T04:11:09Z

I feel like shit. I kind of want to cry, I kind of want a cigarette. I kind of want sex. I kind of want everything I used to have and no longer don't. I have 1 more hour in which I am allowed to smoke, and you know what, I don't even want to quit anymore. I just don't care enough about it to do it. I don't care. It's not something I want to do anymore. It's a good time to stop, but why bother? I just don't want to.

black__banana @ 2006-03-19T00:04:00

2006-03-19T05:06:21Z

Sometimes Omgzzd is just really irritating. And Pop sometimes is really irritating. I don't know. They make me miss John.

black__banana @ 2006-03-09T20:54:00

2006-03-10T01:55:48Z

He said he missed me. He called me back. He called me babe. My night is infinitly better than it was even 15 minutes ago.

black__banana @ 2006-03-08T22:43:00

2006-03-09T03:57:13Z

Wow. I haven't written in here for so long. I don't even know where to start. Me and John broke up 2 weeks ago. It wasn't that bad. We're still friends. I haven't seen him as much as I'd like to have though. I don't know. I miss hanging out with him. Even if we're not kissing and holding hands and all that stuff, I still really actually liked hanging out with him. He was fun to be around and nothing was ever really dull.

My house is so incredibly chaotic. Andy's sleeping in my bedroom, but half my shit is still in there, so I'm constantly walking through at 6 in the morning and waking him up. I'm sure he just loves that. And I'm sleeping in my moms room, which actually has all of her things in it. I can never find anything. And I just finally did my laundry for the first time in almost 2 months. Yeah, gross.

The weather has been so incredibly cold lately. I'm actually sitting here right now shivering because I'm so cold. I don't understand why the heat doesn't work.

I think I'm failing most of my classes because I completely slacked off. I'm having way too much trouble getting motivated to do any work.

And I'm worried about Pants Too Tight. I know I know. It was a long time ago that there was ever a real connection. But just from what I hear and what I see, he's in an ever increasing downward spiral leading to his complete and utter demise. I'm never going to stop caring about him, but the type of caring has changed. It's more maternal right now. A worried kind of caring. I don't care if he's doing well in school. All he ever does is drink and get high. At least he used to have other hobbies.

And this whole thing about kids who do drugs and get drunk and have sex being bad kids is a complete sham to keep you from doing it. I've seen both sides, and really, the side that parents call the "bad" side is just so much more interesting. Kids actually go out and do stuff. We're young, we won't be able to do this forever. So let's live now and have fun with it.

This is the longest most randomly horrible entry. I'm sorry if you actually read it.

black__banana @ 2006-02-15T18:00:00

2006-02-15T23:00:46Z

I had the best Valentines Day I've ever had.

Do You Remember? Well I Remember...

2006-02-12T03:14:29Z

Do you remember watching the Wall-Mart episode of South Park? I remember watching it with you the night you slept over. It was the first time I ever had a boy sleep over. Back before Ivan and Tweed. Before Stripes and Bones. Before John. Before everyone. It was nice. And just so you know PTT, I don't like being that close to someone while I'm sleeping. It bothers me a lot. And I bet you're even smaller now, but you know, it was nice while it lasted.

black__banana @ 2006-02-11T22:02:00

2006-02-12T03:03:27Z

I feel really bad. I think I ruined a lot of things last night. Mainly a lot of John's friendships. I wish I could undo what I did but I can't. It's not like it's a very big deal anyway though. Just a little vomit. I mean, the smell will be there for a while, but you can clean that shit up. I don't know. I hope they get over it and stop being mad at him for that. I like him so much. He's so much fun to be around, I'd feel so hurt if he was unable to have fun with a lot of his friends anymore.

black__banana @ 2006-02-11T22:02:00

2006-02-12T03:03:11Z

black__banana @ 2005-12-13T22:06:00

2005-12-14T03:06:29Z

black__banana @ 2005-12-13T22:00:00

2005-12-14T03:00:06Z

I'm falling...

I'm falling.....

I'm falling....

I'm falling...

I'm falling...

I'm falling...

I've fallen again.

black__banana @ 2005-12-11T21:13:00

2005-12-12T02:13:52Z

I need some ideas for a story. I haven't written anything in so long... it's kind of lonely.

black__banana @ 2005-12-07T20:36:00

2005-12-08T01:36:03Z

I really want to see the Russia! exhibit at the Guggenheim museum. It looks interesting.

black__banana @ 2005-12-05T20:14:00

2005-12-06T01:14:50Z

name that tune
Step 1: Get your playlist together, put it on random, and play.
Step 2: Post the first line from the first 15 songs that play.
Step 3: Let everyone guess what song (and artist!) the lines come from.
Step 4: Cross out the songs when someone guesses correctly.</br>
I doubt anyone will get any of them. Maybe.

1. Wild thing you make my heart sing
2. You're older than you've ever been and now you're even older
3. I've got a small friend who has a fat friend who has a big friend who gave birth to many friends
4. May I have this dance? Can I get in your pants?
5. White and blue and bloody red
6. Talking smooth and play by the rules
7. It's so clear now I'm understanding and the furniture matches the ceiling
8. Outside there's a boxcar waiting.
9. Welcome to the jungle we've got fun and games we've got everything you want.
10. Are you ready to be liberated?
11. 5:25 August 6th 1962 found her lying on her chest her face all turning blue
12. Hands of doom are reaching out to crush all infidels who stray
13. Day after day as our bodies slay and the sun becomes dark in the sky
14. Walking through the city looking oh so pretty
15. I heard you on my wireless back in '52

black__banana @ 2005-12-05T19:41:00

2005-12-06T00:41:38Z

I love how I got to school during lunch. I woke up at 9:30 and took my own sweet time getting ready. I was already late, why hurry, you know? So I took the F to the A and I wasn't paying attention and took the A past my stop. One stop past 59th street is aparently 125th street. Amazing huh? Oh well. I didn't really care. I just guess I'll have to tell all my teachers some lovely story. Who cares.

oh you're so pretty not to talk to you would be a crime

2005-12-03T00:36:02Z

I had one of those days where I felt like everyone hated me. I hardly every have them anymore, but I definately did have one today. And I didn't really have a bad day either. I was just kind of inwardly miserable. I was pretty quiet all day. I just felt like crying. I was so sad. And I don't really know why. I just kind of woke up that way. It sucked.

During 4th period I had a sub, so I went to Pop's art class and we walked around the hallway and then I went into her class and drew spoons and sporks and circles and screws. I don't know. I want to be better friends with her, but she's making it so difficult, because she tells him things I don't want her to. And I think people need to realize that you have to keep your mouth closed every once in a while. It hurts.

During 5th I cut half of it to go to lunch, where I was supposed to take pictures of D, but he had resitation and he didn't tell me. So I went to spanish incredibly late. And my teacher didn't notice. Amazing much? I think so.

And then Omgzzd came to my lunch period, and we were wearing the same pants. I love her.

I wonder if they're dancing disco in Moscow

2005-12-02T03:26:02Z

I hate looking at him.

And I really hate Pop right now. She's acting like we're not friends at all. It kind of hurts. And besides that, she tells him things about me. Personal things like the time I spent with Stripes. He doesn't need to know that. And I didn't want him to know that. I never told him. I'm almost positive that she did.

The kids want a school to tear down

2005-11-30T03:36:16Z

I fall more in love everyday.

Her legs are long like Sandra D. You should have seen her dance.

2005-11-29T01:41:32Z

I used to do a little but the little wouldn't do it so the little got more and more

2005-11-28T22:03:48Z

I don't know. I feel kind of lonely and left out.

And I want new pants. Hm. Maybe I'll get them soon, I don't know. And a new boyfriend. I have a few in mind. I need someone to focus on a little. I think it'd help.

black__banana @ 2005-11-27T22:53:00

2005-11-28T03:53:21Z

The other night he imed me and jumped straight to 'I'm naked.' I changed the subject and said I was cold, so he told me to come over. And I changed it again and said I couldn't feel my feet. He told me to come over. He made me want him. I don't understand what's going on. We get drunk and we tell each other things, and then we pretend nothing ever ever happened.

I miss him so much.

All I ever do is try

2005-11-27T23:51:20Z

It's odd how I don't think of my shadow as part of me. I think of her as someone else almost. A reflection of me, a little flatter, a little darker, longer, leaner. But a reflection of something I could be.

black__banana @ 2005-11-26T18:24:00

2005-11-26T23:24:46Z

I'm bleaching my hair and I've got nearly 45 more minutes of sitting here with bleach on my head. It's already turned, but I want it to be DAZZLINGLY white. White as I can possibly get it and then I'll finally be satisfied. I want to look like Jayne Mansfield. I think she's amazing. I want to be a little metalhead punk chick Jayne Mansfield. And I want everyone to look at me and be like, she's adorable. She looks like cotton candy. And then I'll bite them and spit on their faces and light up cigarettes and scare them away.

I want them to be amazed because I look like a little doll, but I swear like a sailor. I want to be the face of innocence, but anyone who knows me would laugh because they know that I'm definately not.

I like to drink my alcohol and get nice and drunk. I throw up and I make out. And I do things I shouldn't in my mothers bed. I invite boys over and have them leave right before my mother gets home, and she never knows. She doesn't know anything about me. She doesn't know all the different boys in my life, and she probably never will. She doesn't know that for my birthday I got a bottle of vodka and I drank half the bottle by myself. She doesn't know that I smoke cigarettes like mad, and she'll never know.

I just want to be Jayne Mansfield in a leather jacket. That's all.

black__banana @ 2005-11-25T12:38:00

2005-11-25T17:38:15Z

My mom didn't kill me on Thanksgiving. I was so grateful. She only brought up the bicycle like, 5 times and then she let it go. She did say that my ex boyfriend was a moron, but I'll let that one slide and pretend she didn't say it, because really, I don't want to hear it.

It's amusing how people always assume you want to hear these things when you're no long with someone you loved, but for some reason, I hate hearing it. I guess it makes me feel bad about my self for the fact that I ever did love them or like them or whatever. It makes me feel like I have pitiful taste and it makes me feel hurt.

Hmm. I don't have anything to do today. I don't have a metro card so that I can go anywhere either, because my wallet was stolen on Wednesday and yeah... I guess maybe I should order a new one.

black__banana @ 2005-11-24T12:18:00

2005-11-24T17:18:24Z

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!